Hurting you
by Anae-chan
Summary: "What can I say, what can I do? This is who I am and I'm hurting you."  Shusei/Hotsuma.
1. Chapter 1

_To__: Flawlessaya. She draw such a beautiful picture of those boys. 3  
__Title__: Hurting you  
__Chapter:__ 1/3 (My original plan was to publish this as one; the story came out to be too long though, so I had to cut it.)  
__Author__: Anae  
__Beta__: QttQ (Thanks dear. Though you ought be thanking me, getting Yuffie's happiness and liveliness out of your mind. :'D No, really, thank you a thousand.)  
__Fandom__: Uragiri wa boku no namae wo shitteiru / Betrayal knows my name  
__Characters/pairing__: Shusei/Hotsuma  
__Rating__: PG-13/R  
__Spoilers__: Hmh. If you know about their pasts, then no. And that one mention of Shusei being a girl before this lifetime - it's due to one post in stargazing love - community in livejournal. It's not my imagination - it's kind of a fact.  
__Disclaimer__: I don__'__t own Uraboku, it belongs to Odagiri Hotaru. Nor I own Dead by April's song named "What can I say?".  
__Summary__: "What can I say, what can I do? This is who I am and I'm hurting you."  
__A/N__: All Flawlessaya's fan art's fault. It is such a beautiful picture of the two boys (check it out if you will), some of these lyrics written in it. And my imagination sparked. Here's the result, one of the angstiest fics I've ever written. (Although it didn't turn out so heartbreaking as I wanted to. :( )  
__Feedback:__ Please be so kind. Reviews are love and make my day._

_**I tried to be all that you need  
tried not ever let you down  
still I can see it in your eyes  
Not good enough**_

"I can't do this anymore."

For once, Hotsuma didn't need to ask what Shusei was talking about. The other boy was standing a few steps away from him; that was more distance than ever before. And Shusei wasn't looking at him, those beautiful eyes were cast on the ground to avoid showing his emotions to anyone who'd happen to look.

To put it simply, Shusei's mask wasn't in place. That alone told Hotsuma all he needed to know. The older boy's act gave away the rest, and what wasn't there, Hotsuma could guess. Maybe he was blind and deaf more often than not, but not always.

He knew Shusei was talking about their partnership. Their wicked relationship of hurting each other and getting hurt.

It didn't mean his words didn't hurt like hell, though. It didn't mean that his heart wasn't breaking.

And it definitely didn't mean he wanted to let it go.

"Shusei, wait a sec-"

"No", said the usually soft voice - had he ever heard it that firm and loud before? Had he ever heard Shusei interrupting him? "No", Shusei repeated, shaking his head. "I can't. I just can't."

The older boy lifted his head, facing his pained partner. There were no tears in his eyes; no sign of him hurting, no sign of him wondering if this was the right choice, no sign of him even considering it all. That mask Hotsuma hated so much, it was in its place again, completely shutting him and the rest of the world out.

"I'm sorry", Shusei muttered before taking his leave.

That was the end of it. The end of their wicked partnership of pain.

_**(This time I believed that I really could change)  
(I gave it all)  
(This time you really had my everything)  
(I guess I was wrong)  
I guess I was wrong**_

First, Hotsuma felt anger inside him. He felt its yellow flames slowly turn themselves into white fire, burning away everything in their way. He wanted to break something, to destroy something completely, then scream and scream and scream and never stop.

Because even if the red-white flames created a wildfire, he still only though of one thing: No. He didn't want it to end, he had never wanted to hurt Shusei so much, he had never wanted to drive him away. Not in this lifetime and never before that. But he had; in this life he had given Shusei those awful scars that would never fade, he had hurt him in the past lifetimes he only remembered shards of. He had never wanted to drive Shusei to make one last wish as he died; to become a boy instead of woman, so he'd never be Hotsuma's wife again, never again be so completely owned by him.

Hotsuma knew he had tried so hard, so fucking hard this time, to change, to be a good partner, and it had only brought Shusei to kill himself. And he had brought Shusei back, pulled him back to himself, just to be hurt and restrained again. Just like all those times before.

It would only be mercy to let Shusei go, to be free of him.

Then why couldn't he do that?

Instead of burning the mansion to the ground so that not even ashes would remain, Hotsuma pulled his legs closer, wrapped his hands around them and buried his head against his knees. He had promised not to hurt anyone else after he'd given Shusei those inedible scars, he had made a vow to control himself. Besides, if he'd scream, it would never end. And if that wouldn't bring everyone to stare at him nothing would. At the moment, Hotsuma didn't want anyone to see him, to poke him like the pained, caged animal he truly was.

So, instead of that all, he just cried for the longest time.

_**What can I say, What can I do  
This is who I am and I am hurting you  
What can I say, what can I do  
No matter how strong my feelings are  
I always end up hurting you**_

_**I always end up hurting you  
I'm hurting you**_

Shusei was standing in a black room with all the lights out, staring at the stars. The same stars he had gazed at so many times with Hotsuma.

The boy lifted his head, suddenly preferring the roof to the night sky. His heart was clenching at just the thought of Hotsuma's look as he had said those words. Despite of protecting what was dear to him, he had once again managed to hurt him. What a failure as a partner he was.

Stopping his partner's suicide, pulling him back to a place he didn't want live in, to make him suffer every time he looked at him, at those scars… Shusei's long, pale fingers touched the once burned flesh. He didn't mind the scars, but despite what Hotsuma had said after they had come back from Ashley's castle, the younger boy still couldn't look at those wounds without feeling pained. To look at him without suffering. Shusei knew Hotsuma was better off without him, but since Hotsuma neither wanted nor let him to die, he had to find another way.

He was too weak to make Hotsuma hate him; with a few actions and wordgames, he could've done that. With ease. But he couldn't bring himself to do it, to play with Hotsuma.

Not that he hadn't been playing with the other boy all his life. Never showing him his true face. The mask kept everyone away from him, kept them from seeing the darkness that was lurking inside his soul.

He had tried to protect Hotsuma, to keep him safe, tried to heal him. And failed every time. He had to get his beloved partner away from him, to keep him from hurting any more. So he hurt him, pushed himself as far as Takashiro's leash would allow.

The boy tore his gaze away from the safe roof and forced himself to gaze at the shining stars again. He deserved this pain, the sound of his heart shattering into a million glass pieces and falling to the ground. He deserved it for all the things he had done to his beloved… ex-partner.

Shusei closed his eyes, desperately trying to keep the hot, burning tears - the only thing he had left of Hotsuma, left of the warmth the other boy always radiated - inside him. Without it, there was only his own ice.

"Forgive me", he whispered, voice thick with emotions he'd never let out as it echoed in the dead silence of the night.


	2. Chapter 2

_For disclaimer, etc., check out the first chapter. It's all there.  
__A/N: Firstly, huge thank you to goldenVIOLIN127 who reviewed! And as big thank you to those who faved the story! Love you all.  
__A/N2: Here it is, chapter two for everyone who's interested. Hope you enjoy!  
Ps., reviews are still love and make my day. So, if you're reading this, please be so kind._

_**I tried hard only to be him  
You've always wanted in life  
Still I just bring you misery  
(What can I do)**_

It wasn't like they didn't notice.

The first one to see, probably thanks to his powers, was Tsukumo. One day, Shusei had been alone, looking out of the mansion's window, desperately just trying to keep it together instead of breaking like a glass. No, like ice. Like the ice he was when Hotsuma's fire wasn't melting his walls. Then younger boy had approached him with silent steps, eyeing him with a wondering gaze.

He had only asked one question: "Are you sure?"

Shusei had kept that mask in place, hidden himself behind a fake smile, telling him he was.

Tsukumo had accepted that answer, nodding, his gaze never leaving Shusei's eyes. "Just be careful." That slow, kind voice was worried. "And take care of yourself. I don't want to see you hurt."

That was all Shusei was left with as the other left. Shusei gave the barely lit room a bitter smile and closed his eyes. _It's a little too late for that, Tsukumo._

It didn't take Takashiro long to see what was happening either. But he let things be, didn't take actions even if seeing the forever-cracking partnership end. He gave both Zweilts an opportunity to prove themselves worthy on their own. Having seen both boys breaking each other, trying to repair what had been done only to break it time and time again, he pitied them. So he gave them a chance to finally close the broken road.

But they still had to prove themselves, prove that even without the other part, they were powerful, useful, enough. Should they be, he wouldn't interfere but if they couldn't… Then the choice wouldn't be theirs to make. It would be his.

During a few days, everyone noticed, blind but oh-so-caring Yuki being the last one. When he realized, Yuki only looked at them, his figure showing such an amount of sorrow no human should've, his never-ending love for guardians showing in his sad smile and watery eyes. He didn't understand the reason why, like he had never truly understood Shusei. Maybe the reason was that Shusei hid himself; time after time he buried himself under the bed, playing hide and seek, not letting Yuki win that game. Not in this lifetime, not in the previous ones. Yuki could never see through Shusei's mask and fake smile the way he had always seen through Hotsuma. And he had healed Hotsuma, taken away most of his pain, most of his suffering. Taken away his agony; all he had borne ever since he incidentally killed that poor boy in order to save his very own little brother.

One cause of Hotsuma's pain remained though. It was something, someone even Yuki couldn't erase.

Shusei.

No matter what Shusei did, no matter how hard he tried, as a wife, as a best friend, as a partner, as a soul mate, he could never be what Hotsuma needed. He could never take away his beloved's pain; he could only drown him in muddy, lightless depths of misery.

He could never be Yuki.

_**(This time I believed in you, in me)  
(When I gave it all)  
(This time I could see it all perfectly,)  
(I guess I was wrong)  
I guess I was wrong**_

Sleepless nights turned into thought-haunted days, picking their own pace.

Until a Duras, actually two, appeared at the school's surroundings, their mission to kill the God's Light.

_**What can I say, what can I do  
This is who I am and I am hurting you  
What can I say, what can I do  
No matter how strong my feelings are  
I always end up hurting you**_

Yuki happened to be accompanied by Hotsuma then, Shusei following in their steps. As the first human shaped Duras, Opast, launched an attack, Hotsuma drew his Master Stroke and took the powerful blow, just barely keeping his ground.

"Yuki, get back! Shusei…"

The older boy was already on it. First he straightened his hands, the palm and back crossing, before he shifted, his hands representing a butterfly in front of his face. "Cut space", he said, his voice firm, and threw his right hand towards the sky. "Lock set!"

The light violet barrier was created; actions inside it wouldn't affect the real world.

But the fight had just begun, the other Opast throwing a burning violet fireball towards Yuki. Zweilts duty was to protect their life force, so Shusei moved in front of the younger boy. One blue orb with black patterns appeared in front of him, separating itself into four directions, creating a barrier just in time.

Hotsuma kept the other unworldly beautiful Opast busy, but Shusei couldn't move and take off his barrier to attack even if he had had the two swords on his hands; he couldn't have ensured Yuki's safety on his own. Besides, the Opast kept throwing violet flames; had he removed the barrier, Yuki would've taken a serious hit. The youngest boy couldn't run further either; there was a tile wall less than few meters behind them. Yuki, however, was smart enough to get as close to that wall as possible.

"How long do you think you can keep up that barrier?" the Opast mocked.

Shusei didn't answer. The attacks were powerful and he had to keep his focus on keeping the barrier in one piece. But he knew he could go on for a long time, even if he hadn't practically eaten anything in the last few days.

However, things never go as planned.

A pained yelp from the right, and Yuki's scream "Hotsuma!" were enough to make Shusei's blood turn cold and his heart jump as he turned his head to look.

Hotsuma had taken a hit from the Opast's long sword. His side was bleeding, but it was nothing crucial. Shusei let out the breath he had been holding. _Thank God. _

"You think you got time to do some sightseeing?"

Shusei's focus snapped back to his opponent, but it was too late. A huge violet fireball, with flaming white edges pierced through his shield, it's enormous power throwing both him and Yuki straight into the unforgiving tile wall.

"Shusei! Yuki!"

"You don't have time to do sightseeing, either!"

Hotsuma managed to dodge somehow, getting a deep cut on his palm alone. But that pain was nothing compared to the rush of adrenaline in his veins, to the fear of losing his one and only partner - never mind their partnership was officially over.

But to get to him, he needed to win this battle. So he dashed towards his enemy, begging to beat him in time to help the other two.

The oldest of the boys didn't lose consciousness - he couldn't let himself to. He coughed dust and drops of blood as he desperately tried to get up. The shield, even if it had broken down, had taken most of the damage. That was the only explanation as for why he was still alive. A short glance told him Yuki was unconscious, but alive.

"Oh, you're still alive?"

Shusei looked up, only to gaze into blood red eyes of an Opast, who was wickedly smiling down to him.

"Don't bother getting up." The Opast mocked, kneeling down. With a smile, he dug his long nails into Shusei's back, piercing through the white jacket and soft skin beneath it. The boy hissed in pain, still trying to get up, to roll onto his side, anything. But the Duras pushed him back into the dusty ground.

"Lively, aren't you?"

"Get your filthy hands away from him!"

The Opast turned his head, white hair blowing in the wind as he eyed the human fighting his partner. The blond boy really seemed to be giving it his everything now, if not more so, and all because of this boy laying on the ground underneath him… The monster's smile only grew as he pressed closer to the human, his lips close to boy's ear. "I'll play with you some more."

With that, the Opast licked the boy's ear, sharp teeth uncaring enough to draw blood on purpose.

Shusei wanted to throw up.

He had never let anyone touch him like that, not even wanting anyone to do so, but Hotsuma. These thoughts were quickly forgotten, replaced by yelp of pain as nails cut his back.

"I said hands off!" Hotsuma screamed, one thought echoing in his head: _He's mine you son of a bitch, don't you dare touch what belongs to me! _He threw a blood red, mixed with white, burning flame towards the Opast tormenting Shusei.

When rushing towards the Duras, Shusei's tormentor only smiled, throwing a flame of his own to meet the Zweilt's fire. It wasn't strong enough to create an explosion; it simply changed the fireball's course, directing it towards an unconscious Yuki.

"No!" both Zweilts screamed.


	3. Chapter 3

_For disclaimer etc., check out the first chapter. It's all there._

_A/N: Thank thousand for everyone who faved the story! And special thanks to goldenVIOLIN127 for rewiev! You people make my day. 3_

_A/N2: And here we go, the last chapter of this one. Hope you'll enjoy this, and hope you enjoyed the whole story!_

_(And lastly, shameless advertisement: If you have an idea of a story (idea itself, song, anything really, Uraboku or some other fandom, and would like to see me picturing it, don't be shy. I'm always searching for ideas and inspirations ~)_

_**I always end up hurting you**_

If it hadn't been for Luka, all three would have died.

But Luka had appeared like a saving angel in his black clothing, as if mocking the ancient descriptions of angels, swiftly cutting through the fire and killing both Opasts.

All three had seen the family doctor Isuzu, and when Yuki had woken up, the doctor had gently thrown an already healed Hotsuma into another room, letting Yuki heal Shusei's wounds. It didn't matter to Isuzu that Shusei hadn't wanted the youngest boy to use his ability. His failure had caused all this trouble and he didn't want others to suffer more than they had. And, to tell the truth, he had never enjoyed letting Yuki treat him, touch him; it probably only reminded him of how pure this one person was, how weak and full of darkness he himself was compared to him.

How much more he was worthy of Hotsuma.

Shusei probably would have protested if Takashiro hadn't been present, if Takashiro hadn't firmly ordered him to allow Yuki's healing.

After finishing, Yuki excused himself, as did the doctor, leaving Shusei and Takashiro in privacy.

Even without that conversation, Shusei would've known what he had to do. What he wanted didn't matter. The Giou clan was top priority, like always. Individuals apart from Yuki, the Zweilts' lifeline, were mere insects compared to the clan's never-ending battle with the Duras and of course, Reiga, the traitor of their blood.

Most people, even most Zweilts and those living near them didn't know what a wicked way Takashiro had with words. He only needed to say a word or two, to play with them, and you were left feeling so utterly unneeded, unworthy and like a failure, that even your own self-hatred would pale in comparison.

And they wondered how Shusei had mastered word games and that never-fading mask of his.

_**Without you I keep crying  
With you I am just hurting you**_

"Hotsuma."

The blond boy's head shot up as he was kept from dozing off. He had stayed in the corridor, arms wrapped around his legs like a protecting shell, just waiting for his turn to have a word with Shusei. He didn't know how long he had sat there; probably for hours. The day had been physically and emotionally agonizing. He was staring ar Takashiro, eyelids still heavy with sleep - or rather the lack of it - and tried to focus.

"Go talk to your partner."

When the words sank in and hit the mark, the corridor was already empty, Takashiro long gone.

Partner?

Hotsuma merely stared at the door as the seconds and minutes ticked by. As he finally realized that he'd never be ready for the conversation that would follow, he stood up and stared at the closed door, the only visible obstacle between him and his… Partner? He simply stared some more. Then he shakily exhaled, closed the distance with trembling steps and pushed the door open.

_**Without you I am dying  
With you I am tearing your heart**_

As the blonde boy entered the lit room, only silence greeted him. It didn't speak or stretch out a hand, but it came to stand next to him, briefly glancing over its shoulder at Shusei, who was sitting in a chair, eyes downcast. Silence had already greeted him with all its - her - might, and now gazing Hotsuma, her lips curving upwards.

Silence had gotten very good at spending time with these boys. As they said, practice made perfect. And she had been practicing with them for about 16 years, all their lives, and now she had mastered it all.

But the younger boy was always the impatient one.

"Shusei-"

"Takashiro is right", Shusei said firmly, cutting off Hotsuma's words - he had never done that before that one conversation, had he? - not letting him say what he might have wanted to. Assuming that he wanted to say anything at all; probably he just wished to rip apart the fragile web she had knitted. Shusei lifted his head, his eyes empty, true emotions carefully hidden behind that mask and spoke again. "Without each other, we're useless."

"_Yuki almost died today. That can never happen again, do you understand me?"  
_"_Yes, sir."_

Hotsuma's heart almost bounced out of his chest. Takashiro had said partner and Shusei had just implied the same, hadn't he? Hadn't he?

She smiled again, dancing behind Hotsuma, still smiling. No, she wasn't going to answer, she knew the answer already. The stupid boy was the only one who didn't, hmh?

But if they were back to partners - which was all Hotsuma had wanted, because he had just wanted to have Shusei back and never let go - then why did it feel like someone had just turned the knife - in his heart? The knife that had been there for far too long to remember, maybe ever since he was born with these cursed power of his.

Why did it feel so goddamn _wrong_?

Hotsuma swallowed, feeling unsure. With Shusei's mask in place, that mask he only wanted to rip off, he didn't know what the other was thinking, let alone feeling. He never did.

He didn't know if he wanted to ask the question. No, he did want to ask, but he didn't know if he could handle the answer. But he wanted to brush her off, he hated the way she was leaning so casually onto his shoulder. He only wanted Shusei, so he spoke.

"Do you want it?"

Do you want to be my partner?

_**(Without you I am crying)**_

Silence - her web was so strong. Maybe it wasn't as firmly twined around Hotsuma, or maybe Hotsuma's warmth was strong enough to burn it all away, but Shusei's ice only made it wrap tighter around him.

_Do you even want to be my partner?_

Of course he did; Hotsuma was all he ever thought about, the other boy was his everything, his only reason to live.

But if he stayed, he'd only hurt him, just like he always had. One day, his ice would suffocate the fire, and kill - _kill_ - it. Shusei's eyes rested on Hotsuma's right palm, which was covered in bandages. He tore his gaze away, hands clenching into fists, eyes squeezing shut.

"Sorry", he mumbled. If he hadn't been there, Hotsuma would've been just fine.

Why? Why couldn't he just push Hotsuma so far away that he wouldn't come back?

Was it because he couldn't handle Hotsuma's tears? Back when they were kids, he had always comforted Hotsuma, always been there for him.

When had he started giving him pain instead of comfort?

_**(Without you I am dying)**_

Hotsuma took a couple of steps onwards, stumbling, his heart clenching and racing. His fingers found a spot of the once burned skin beneath the fabric and rested there, not quite daring to slip beneath the sleeveless shirt.

He had said he would never look away from those scars. It seemed he wasn't good at keeping promises.

Not that he was good at anything - he was only good at destroying the things built with so much effort.

Cold fingers ran over the bandages.

The boys looked into each other's eyes. Both pairs of eyes mirrored the same feelings - anxiety, sadness, the plea for forgiveness, pain of the wounds that Yuki could never heal, anguish too great for one human being to take.

They were equally tormented, both damaged beyond repair.

Yet Hotsuma, forever the optimist, begged Shusei to see that they would make it - because they just _would _- this time.

"Don't say you're sorry. We're together again, so it's fine, right?"

The blonde boy leaned down, his lips carefully touching the other's. Shusei let his eyes slide closed, and with Hotsuma's bloody hand on his shoulder, he mirrored the motion. Both of them had been so scared to take this step, to move onwards. Now they were too tired to think any further, to consider anything but easing each other's pain, too exhausted to fear that the other might leave when seeing what was behind the fake smile.

_**What can I say, what can I do  
This is who I am and I'm hurting you**_

_**What can I say, what can I do  
No matter how strong my feelings are  
I always end up hurting you**_

They both knew that the only way to save their loved one from eternal suffering would've been to let go, to push the other away and run faster than lightning.

To Toko and Tsukumo, rings were a mark of having someone beside them forever; to Kuroto and Shensirou the rings represented the deepest possible friendship and promised aid to each other. Yuki never needed a ring to have Luka next to him. To Hotsuma and Shusei however, the rings were proof of a wicked partnership of never-ending pain.

They hurt each other time and time again, no matter which gender they were born as, no matter how strong their feelings were, no matter how pure their love was - their partnership was always about hurting one another without intending to.

_**(I always end up hurting you)**_

Maybe this time they'd make it, maybe this time they would obtain the happiness they had been searching for.

It was a fool's hope, since they so miserably failed time and time again, but they really didn't have any other choice.

_**I always end up hurting you**_

_I love you. I loved you back then, and I love you now. And I will never, ever let go. Even if it means that you throw salt in my wounds and that I keep on piercing your heart._

_**I'm hurting you**_


End file.
